If I Catch Him I'll Put Him In a Box
by Radical.2
Summary: My parents just informed me yesterday of this arranged marriage between me and her, and how we have to have a son for an heir and all that crap, and how I basically would have to dump my girlfriend for some chick I barely knew. Isn't my family just GREAT?
1. Love Poetry From Bellatrix Black

_Dear future son of Narcissa and mine, _

_Oh, currently-nonexistent son, you do not know how much of a freak Narcissa thinks I am for writing this. Of course, you'll already know her name, because no doubt she'll be your mother. You see, my parents just informed me yesterday of this arranged marriage between me and her, and how we have to have a son for an heir and all that crap, and how I basically would have to dump my girlfriend for some chick I barely knew._

_Isn't this family just great, son?_

_I wouldn't even mind the dumping part that much if it weren't for the fact that Bellatrix Black was my girlfriend. That's right, was. Because I did the deed just last night. And let me tell you, future son, it did not go well. At all. _

_That could be confirmed by how just an hour ago Narcissa came up here to my secret office-type-place in the empty Divination room saying, "She's written you a poem."_

"_What, like love poetry? Is she filled with an aching regret for charming off half my hair?" I snapped back, frowning and again running a hand through my now only, what, two-or-three-inches-long hair? It was way longer before. _

"_More than half," Narcissa smirked, politely holding back most of her humor. "Hey, it doesn't look half-bad," she offered up._

"_Yeah. It looks whole-bad," I said. Narcissa just winked at me and tossed a much-read piece of parchment to me before leaving._

_Then I read this really badly-written poem, son. Seriously, Bellatrix is an absolutely horrible poet. I get why she would be sort of distressed, however. Narcissa is her younger sister..._

_The Blacks are a totally messed-up family for arranging this. And great timing, too!_

_Anyway, here's the poem:_

"_Lucius is an old sly fox_

_If I catch him I'll put him in a box_

_Lock the box and throw away the key_

_For all the tricks he's played on me."_

_I know, right?_

_Come to think of it, I'm probably currently pissed at your... aunt? Yes, aunt. Weird, right? Right._

_I'm pretty much done here, writing this, since I've got to go back down to the dorms before curfew cuts me off. So, see you later, son. Or... now? I don't know. Perhaps you won't find this until I'm dead._

_It'll be a rather jolly funeral for you, then. Good luck._

_Sincerely, Lucius._

"Lucius? You've got to come back soon." Narcissa popped up again from behind the door. "It's nearly-"

"I know," Lucius said shortly, standing up and shoving the letter in his pocket.

"Can I read it?" Narcissa asked him, and he immediately shook his head.

"No way."

"Fine... She's written you another one. Or maybe it's just the fifth-years' parody-version of it, I'm not sure. But I found it floating around outside. There were more copies, too..." Narcissa trailed off, handing over the parchment scrap. But he didn't take it.

"Read it to me," Lucius ordered her.

"Er, well. Okay." She began to read from Bellatrix's poem. "'Lucius is an old sly bass, If I catch him I'll take his wand and stick it up his-'"

"Beautiful," Lucius groaned. "I hate your sister!"

"Weren't you, like, just dating her? Yesterday?"

"Well, duh!"

"Why did you..."

"I DON"T KNOW. GOOD NIGHT, NARCISSA."

"Night, Lucy," she answered as she led the way back to the dungeons.

"I told you not to call me that!"

"Did not."

"I just did."

"Wow. My parents sure picked a good one, didn't they?"

"Is that SARCASM that I sense?"

"Of course not, Mr. Black."

"Mrs. Malfoy."

"This is not going to go well, is it?"

"Marriage sucks."

**A/N: Okay, so I just got bored and wanted to write something... anything, so I churned that out of my system. Please don't think it's that... I don't know, bad? It's a far cry from the Draco/Hermione stuff I usually write, but it was okay. I think. Ah, whatever. **


	2. Retaliation From Lucius Malfoy

**A/N– Thanks to everyone for reading the first part of this, and to those who reviewed- you rock!- because I'm continuing this! So, here goes nothing...**

_Dear Anakin Malfoy,_

_That's right- Narcissa's crazy parents owled her and told her to start thinking of good Malfoy heir baby names that have things to do with constellations and space and all that. So she... well, I'll write down our conversation and you can draw your own conclusions, ANAKIN._

_Narcissa plopped down in the seat next to me at dinner and put a firm hand on my shoulder. "Lucius, DEAR, my parents have informed me that we are to name our future son."_

"_Oh jeez," I answered. "You're serious?" She nodded. "Well, how about we-"_

"_No need to suggest anything. We're naming him Anakin," Narcissa informed me. _

"_Excuse me?" I said incredulously._

"_Anakin Malfoy," she repeated._

"_I'm afraid to ask about the middle name," I informed her. She just laughed at me._

"_That's your parents' job, to think of one," Narcissa told me. "You can owl them later about that. You also have to sign this contract." She shoved a sheet of parchment towards me on the table, and I quickly scanned it._

"_I am NOT signing a contract promising to name our child ANAKIN. Are you bloody kidding me?" I nearly shouted, and then there were a bunch of people staring at us. Now they knew why I had been crazy enough to dump Queen Bitch of Slytherin herself- your aunt. Sorry for the bad word, by the way. You've probably heard all of them already from your aunt, anyway. _

_Then Bellatrix sat down on my other side. And she was still totally pissed at me. Every thirty seconds she was kicking me in the shin or elbowing me hard in the stomach or adding Lucius-insults to her conversations with other people. _

_Then she finally turned to me, a smirk on her face. "I wrote you a poem, Lucius Malfoy. Did you hear it yet?"_

"_Yes," I answered. "The original and the sixteen parodies by other morons. And I wrote you one. Want to hear it?"_

_I hadn't actually written one, but it seemed like a good comeback at the time. I just made one up on the spot when Bellatrix gave me a tight nod._

"_Bellatrix is an old fat witch_

_And she acts like a real b-"_

_She interrupted me. That's why I'm writing this from the hospital wing. She punched me in the nose AND BROKE IT. But I still got to call her a bitch as two of the professors dragged me away, so I'm satisfied._

_If you have a crooked nose, Anakin, blame your aunt._

_From, your father._

"Lucius? Are you okay?"

He opened his eyes and focused on the girl at his side. When he saw that it wasn't Bellatrix, he let his eyes close again. But then Narcissa was poking and prodding with gentle fingers at his face.

"Hey," he said irritably, but she didn't stop. "Hey!"

"It's my duty as your future wife to make sure you aren't dead or heading there? You aren't, right?" Narcissa asked him, her eyes analyzing him carefully.

"No," Lucius said shortly. "I'm not dying. I just have a broken nose. Would you get me some more ice?"

"Fine." As she left to get ice, he took out the letter again and began writing.

_P.S. Anakin, maybe you won't have to be named so horribly. I haven't signed the contract yet. I can play upon your mother's pity for my injured face and insist you be named something better! Like... Er... I'll work on that later. Maybe I'll just-_

"Lucy, are you still writing letters to our nonexistent son, Anakin?"

"No..."

"Let me see it, then."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Er, well, you see..." Lucius trailed off awkwardly. "Listen, if we name him Anakin he'll be mocked for his entire life. We simply cannot name him Anakin!"

"Fine," Narcissa sighed. "Luke?"

"No."

"Yoda."

"No!"

"Um... Han?"

"Do I really need to answer that?"

"I'll think of a name, don't you worry, Lucy."

"If you ever call me that again..."

"I won't."

"Thank you."

"Lucy."

"..."


	3. Spells from the Wand of Narcissa Black

_Dear Sonny,_

_Yes, another awful name. I'm not even going to get into that one because it's just a repeat of yesterday. Plus, I've got much more important things on my mind, like exams that I have to study for and CRAZY PSYCHO EX-GIRLFRIENDS. Well, girlfriend. Do you know what your aunt did today, you small child? She threatened me._

_Not the first death threat I've ever gotten from an ex, but she made it very believable._

_I don't think she even meant for me to see it at first- you see, I was just in the common room and I saw her scribbling furiously in a notebook. Afraid that it was another awfully-written poem, I kind of peeked at it. And it was a poem. I can't remember exactly how it went, but it went something like this:_

"_Lucius Malfoy has to die_

_Lucius Malfoy has blind eyes_

_If he cannot see how great_

_I am of a mate._

_Lucius Malfoy deserves death_

_From his body chopped his head_

_Lucius Malfoy soon will see_

_That nobody should ever dump me."_

_And then I said something really, really quite stupid, considering how pissed Bellatrix Black already was at me._

"_You really love me that much? Wo-ow."_

_I mean, wo-ow, what a STUPID thing to say. What did I expect, for her NOT to spin around and try and strangle me? Which she did, by the way. In fact, I probably would have ended up in the hospital wing again if your mother, son, hadn't rushed in at that moment._

_Bellatrix is very hard to surprise, and usually no one can lay a hand or spell on her, but when she's attempting to strangle someone, then, yeah, it's easier. Which is the only explanation I could think of for how Narcissa was able to hit Bellatrix, her own sister, with a stunning spell. _

_Bellatrix wasn't even able to turn and see who had done it before she hit the ground and went all stunny and dead-looking._

_A very good look for her, I might add._

_Ah, Narcissa's on her way towards me. She's sure to laugh at how I'm writing another one of these._

_Good luck in the world today, son. Sonny. Whatever._

_From, Lucius Malfoy._

Narcissa strode up to him, still looking a bit arrogant and proud as she had that morning. She tossed a book onto Lucius's lap, saying, "If you hate all the names I've liked, then look through this and just find one. If you're looking for one that his mother will approve of, pick one that you hate."

And then she left, linking arms with another girl and walking out of the common room easily. Narcissa seemed more confident, and not necessarily in a good way. But even Lucius was getting a little of that.

Bellatrix Black was currently still knocked out and also temporarily- they hoped- adhered to the dungeons' ceiling. Her hair hung down and completely covered her face, but her hands hung free from her robes. Some of the more... immature students had been being kind of moronic and sending spells up at her body. Most of them were just changing her hair color and things, as if she were some enormous dress-up doll, but one or two had actually sliced her hands. The blood had stopped dripping, but she was still an eerie sight.

And if she found out that no one had done anything, she would be totally angry.

Lucius clenched his fists, then let them hang at his sides. Even if Bellatrix was... Bellatrix, that didn't mean she didn't deserve a fair fight before getting hurt.

He was going to have to do something.

Wishing the whole way that he didn't feel obligated to do this, Lucius walked over to Bellatrix, and everyone's eyes were cast upon him. Avoiding their gazes, he charmed her down and threw her heavy body over his shoulder. Lucius carried her up to his dormitory room and let her fall haphazardly on his bed.

"Good enough," he muttered, then made his way out quickly. He definitely did not want to be there when she woke up.

**A/N: Sorry that this chapter wasn't exactly humorous, but that's just the way it turned out. The next chapter will be, if you want, I promise. Any comments? **


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